I woke up pissed off this morning.
Not what I planned to write, but these are the words that are here.
Ok, so I didn’t wake up annoyed, but I’ve slowly let myself go back onto Instagram in the last few weeks, and I’ve noticed some targeted ads that’ve taken me from thinking, ‘hmmm, so that’s the advertising life stage the algorithm thinks I’m in,’ to full on rage. Maybe it’s a combination of the full moon and my severe lack of sleep, it’s probably other thoughts simmering in my subconscious reacting to seeing those ads, or maybe I’m just rightly pissed off.
I opened my journal this morning and I can tell when I’m writing something solely for me and something that I want to be seen or heard. With a few edits and embellishments, this is what I wrote.
Last night was the Leo full moon. I don’t exactly know what that means, but I know that between period insomnia and every time that damn full moon comes round, I spend many hours staring into the dark.
Lots is said about releasing what you no longer want at full moon time, leaning into desires and seeking clarity from what I’ve picked up, and there is something in me that feels emboldened today. I know I’ll be sending at least one very frank voice note later. My feelings are fiery and clear today, so that makes it not the best day for me to take in targeted ads on Instagram.
I am pissed off that I am now receiving perimenopause adverts. I remember when it used to be the pregnancy tests that would annoy me. Hello? Hi! Only us, just reminding you of your fertile window and all of these products we have that we’d like you to buy. I started paying for YouTube premium just to get them away from me. I KNOW OKAY? I f**king know.
And now, at 37, it’s the slow seeping in of the selling of the next stage of life, because if there’s one thing this capitalist world is going to do to us, it’s sell. It’s gonna sell us a fix, sell us dreams, sell us potions, PDFs and creams. Anything to make a buck off of us breathing.
The deeper thing, I guess, is that this feels like (yet another) sands of time moment (explored further here in a ferociously true thread of reflection on the changing meaning of adulthood and ageing for millennials). I am not one of the people who has been clear or sure of much in life: which career I wanted, where I want to live, or clear enough to know for sure whether I want to be a biological parent (assumption about possibility aside).
I know that there are other ways to do this life. Many other ways.
I know that as with most things, there is only so much you can know before making a decision. I also know that I loathe making ones that I am not sure enough of. The weight of every decision and action weighs so deeply for me, it feels like it ties me to the ground, rendering me unable to move in any direction even if I wanted to.
I know that one of the best things I ever did for myself was the work of divorcing my human experience from the label of ‘mother.’
And I know that something else I’m experiencing is the quiet conversation in my various group chats, about the decisions we are having to make and be okay with. The ones being made for us where we are having to contemplate alternative endings. Grappling with the reality of ‘and/or’ just becoming ‘or.’ And wondering if we’re allowed to have feelings about decisions and options that feel like they may be slipping away when we weren’t sure we wanted the option or were ready to make the decision anyway. We’re allowed. The feelings will come anyway.
I know there are some who might say, “you just have to make a decision… we all did.” And while I know this is true, most days I sit and wonder what in the clusterf*ck is this thing called life?! Like, what is actually going on here? Sometimes it just feels like day after day of trying to make sense out of nonsense.
Sidenote: I realise this is a sweary post today - blame the lack of sleep and my brain being in a tailspin about the incredulity of life. Anyway, I digress.
The world may tell me that it wants me to exist a little less each day (except when it comes to selling me things, of course). But I will be here and I will be seen. As mother, lover, other and all or none of the above.
Living, limitless and label-less. Learning to be free.
Regular programming will resume shortly. I just really felt the need to get these thoughts out today.
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"I am not one of the people who has been clear or sure of much in life..." This resonated with me so deeply. As an "elder millennial" with seemingly so many time-bound choices to make and realizing that so many different possibilities appeal to me(always have), I've finally started to wholly embrace my whimsy and use it to fuel me into the direction of my deepest desires. Thanks for this post! It was ray of light in my day. AND a big middle finger to the ads!
Sometimes, you just have to get it out. I'm reminded of the quote by Brian Andreas "There are some days when no matter what I say it feels like I'm far away in another country and whoever is doing the translating has had far too much to drink." ;0)