Shrinking.

An everlasting battle

I shrink when I feel overwhelmed.

I shrink when I want to do the exact opposite - expand.

I shrink because I’m new at a thing and not instantly good.

I shrink to make way for others because there is clearly not enough support for us all, so I’ll take myself out of the running.

I shrink because I don’t think my ideas are good enough and I can’t be proven wrong if I never say the thing.

I shrink because I have too many ideas in my head. I don’t know where to start, so I just… don’t.

I shrink because I think, ‘if you’re not going to be the best, you be quiet.’

I shrink because I (over)think.

I shrink because being seen, even when that’s what you want, is hard.

Photo by Evgeni Tcherkasski on Unsplash

I shrink because I was taught to.

I shrink because I think, this can’t be of use to anyone.

I shrink because it means I can downplay my hopes and expectations.

I shrink because I recognise that feeling of letting myself down. I expected it. One place where I meet and exceed my expectations.

I shrink because it’s easy. Well, easier in some ways.

I shrink because, while not favourably, I know how this story ends. And good narrators stick to the script.

I shrink because my creativity dresses in colourful ideas that clash and don’t make sense side-by-side. I just want to be streamlined, at least seem well-put-together and be understood. She is eclectic and unruly and untameable. I love her, but sometimes I don’t know how to be with her.

Maybe I just need to get out of her way. And risk not making sense. Saying too much, too often. Saying the thing. Being seen.

Maybe these words today are just for an audience of one. I’m saying them anyway. If any of this makes any sense, let’s have a chat in the comments. If only to know we’re not alone.

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