What do you know to be true?

A question from a farm annexe

I’m testing out this remote working stuff, and I’m currently staying in an AirBnB on a working staycation.

There are a few reasons for it. One is to prove to myself that I am not someone who just talks about things but actually does them. Another is simply because I can. Working from home or remotely speaks to one of my core values of freedom. And thirdly, because I am deeply, deeply introverted and I love spending swathes of time on my own.

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I have a pretty good home set-up.

I arrived back at my family home in February 2021, for what should have been a week or two - and never left. I was riding the heartbreak train and we’d just found out that my dad had stage four blood cancer slap bang in the middle of the pandemic. Safe to say, it was a lot.

I was 35 at the time and had been aching to own my own home for some years. The photo archive in my phone likes to remind me that I’ve been looking at housing schemes and show homes for at least six or seven years.

I’d done a lot of waiting for my person at the time to be ready to make that happen with me. And there I was: mid-thirties, single, not giving a damn about a career and salary that might make me financially viable for a mortgage, instead doing whatever to make financial ends meet. I was an emotional husk of my former self while managing caring responsibilities and trips to the hospital to drop off and collect my dad from chemotherapy. Ha ha, house who?

Pretty much two years later this very month, the gnawing hasn’t gone away. I just have the capacity to hear it again and try and do something about it.

I cosied up on the sofa this morning, and having been here for all of 48 hours, I knew I could already answer this question: What do you know to be true? The path I knew I wanted to take that prompt down was: What do you know to be true about how it feels to be here? Alone in your own space? How does it feel to know your knowing was right? And now you’ve confirmed this: what next?

I don’t need to wait until the end of my time here to draw a summary of conclusions and confirmations already in my heart. Here is what I know to be true:

I want my own space. I live in a quiet home, but I knew there would be a difference between quiet at home and the silence of being alone. I know that silence can conjure different feelings depending on the context around it, but hearing nothing but a ticking clock until such time as I decided otherwise has delighted my little introverted soul. I recharge my batteries in solace.

Driving down country lanes on sunny weekend days with a great soundtrack and on my own schedule, will never not feel like freedom to me. Seeing a fridge full of things that I like and chose to put in there, is so joyful, I can’t even convey it. Sofas should have high backs to lean against and depth enough so that you can curl up in them and journal. There will always be the possibility that evenings will be difficult for me. My thoughts can get dark at night. I expected it. After all, no matter where we go, there we are.

Texture, texture everywhere. Let there be a throw, robe, cardigan, socks or slippers at every turn. I like neutral tones, light wood, and big windows. I move through space differently when it feels like my own. Candles always. A bath is non-negotiable. There is never, ever, a need to use the big light in any room. I need to find a home that can see me surrounded by green within 15-20 minutes, while also being equidistant from good coffee and baked goods. There’s no need for me to create stories about what wanting to move out means. I want it. I’ve been ready. It’s time.

What do you know to be true? Today. Right now. In this season. What is purely confirmation? I like asking this question just to stay in tune with myself - with truths that are only of a moment, as well as forever truths that are embedded in me.

Now I’ve written this, I know that it’s time to share another piece on knowing. Coming soon - Sasha x